Are you there?
by fightXtheXdawn
Summary: Set to the song Irvine by Kelly Clarkson. Bella has a nightmare that Edward had abandoned her again and she then proceeds to question the existence of God. The connection is more obvious in the story, please read and review!


A/N- ok this is just a quick one shot.Let me begin by saying I dont wish to offend any religious people but I went through something similar during a rough patch in my life and I just felt like this song, Irvine by Kelly Clarkson, captured that feeling while reminding me of Bella for some reason. It's supposed to be a nightmare she has sometime after New Moon and possibly during Eclipse. It's basically her being thrown back into a period in which Edward has once again abandoned her and she begins to question the existence of God. I don't own any of the characters or the song. Please review!

I was curled up under the window, knees tucked under my chin and my arms wrapped around my legs. I didn't move, I didn't blink. I just continued to hug my legs, keeping myself in one piece before the hole in my chest ripped me apart. The silence was loud all around me, noticeable and empty all at once. I didn't understand. I felt so abandoned and hurt. _He_ left me. A noise came from near my closet and my head shot up. There was nothing, I tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach, something like hope and disappointment all at once. Ouch.

My mother went through a phase in which she had heavily believed in God and put all her trust in him. My only God was _him_. And he left me. He wasn't here like I hoped and he wasn't coming back. I was abandoned by my own God figure. I couldn't believe in this guy I had never seen when clearly, my real living (in a sense) God was gone. I hugged my knees tighter and tried to hold back the tears. In my desperation, I tried to turn to that God everyone else who believed referred to. The one you can't see but supposedly He's always there looking after them. Unlike my God figure.

Are you there?  
Are you watching me?  
As I lie here on this floor  
They say you feel what I do  
They say you're here every moment

In my desperation to believe there was something, I felt like maybe someone was listening. Someone was there with me, trying to comfort without intervention. I clung to that little piece of hallucination, held it tight to me as if maybe it would pull me through. As if I could be picked up, made whole, and able to function again. As if _he _had never happened.

Will you stay?  
Stay 'till the darkness leaves  
Stay here with me  
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one  
But you might be the only one who sees me  
The only one to save me

I needed to be able to put my trust in that supernatural being of all beings. The one _he _was trying to save my soul for. I didn't want to give it to that God. I wanted _him _to have it. He already had my heart with him. I wouldn't be getting it back and he couldn't possible know or even care how much this was tearing me up. Only one person right now could possibly know and I didn't know if I believed in Him of not. I was hopeless.

If he was there, how could he look after me so closely as all that? There were so many people, so many heart being broken every day in so many different ways. Why was my one little heart so important? Was it really going to kill me that it was gone. I tried to force that thought away because I wasn't too sure of the answer yet. Maybe, could something help me through it? Someone?

Why is it so hard?  
Why can't you just take me?  
I don't have much to go  
Before I fade completely

Even now I felt like I was shrinking away, disappearing into nothingness. Like no one would care or notice. The pain was practically unbearable every moment of it. Why couldn't it just end? If He was supposedly so powerful, why would I be suffering so much? How come the pain was so great? Why did I deserve it? Did this mean I was damned and if I was damned anyways why bother trying to save my soul? I could have been a vampire after all. I curled tighter. The window let the cold air wash over me from outside.

Can you feel how cold I am?  
Do you cry as I do?  
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?  
Like I have felt all my life  
The only one to save mine

I was ready to die. I was ready to fight and scream and yell. Why was this magnificent figure not there for me? Did they not understand what I was going through? I was being torn into a million pieces, crying on the floor, praying for an end. My wish was being ignored, denied to me. God wouldn't save me. Why? He knew nothing of the pain's I have gone through, the feeling of being alone all my life. Charlie with his job always first and Renee, Renee with her fantasies and her flighty wanderings from here to there. Did they really ever notice?

How are you so strong?  
What's it like to feel so free?  
Your heart is really something  
Your love, a complete mystery to me

How could _he _do this to me? I didn't even know who I was talking about now. I was so confused, so wrapped up in the haunted wonderings. Had they both deserted me now? The one I put all my hope and love into and the one I didn't even really believe in? I was going insane now. If either of them had loved me, wouldn't at least one of them be here for me? I felt hysterical laughter welling in my throat and I bit my tongue as the waves of tears rolled down, hot and heavy on my cheeks.

Are you there watching me?  
As I lie here on this floor  
Do you cry, do you cry with me?  
Cry with me tonight

I woke up then in his arms. At some point I must have fallen out of the bed cause we were lying on the floor of my room and he was staring down at me anxiously. As if he'd never left. He brushed his cold hand across my cheek and I caught sight of the tears before he wiped them away. His golden eyes never left my face and he set me in his lap where I curled up and pressed my face to his neck. He rubbed my back soothingly. Neither of us spoke of why we were on the floor, why I was crying, why he was comforting me. Even if he couldn't read my mind, he already knew. Whether it had been my sleep talking or the emotions that rippled across my face during the nightmare, he knew. I wasn't going to make him feel any more guilty of it. My God could feel pain, just like a human. Even if I wasn't sure of the other God's existence, I felt sorry for Him if he had to feel the pain of every soul on earth. One souls pain seemed enough for anybody. I felt oddly relaxed as this ran through my head, as if I had learned something vitally important to understanding the world around me.

Are you there?  
Are you watching me?


End file.
